"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Monkey see, monkey do. Why did the last monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure!
See, most of my jokes are probably too dirty, racially offensive, or gender offensive, so I'll just try something plain giggle-worthy. It is a bit long.
A grumpy vampire bat flies home after a hard evening of hunting and hangs from his ledge in the cave for a nap. Before he can get to sleep, however, another bat flaps over next to him.
"John," he exclaims "You had a good hunt tonight! Look at all that blood all over your face! Hey, everybody, over here!"
A moment later the entire cave of bats is clustered around, slobbering from the smell of the blood on John's face. "Where did you get all the blood?!" They cry.
"Come with me and I'll show you."
So the John takes off with the rest of the bats following, and they all perch on a power line near the highway.
"You see that big sign over there? The new one for that coffee shop?"
So, I got a part time job at the liquor store. They said I was good at lifting spirits.
Or (time for the dumb blonde joke - sorry everyone!) Theres a Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead at the club. In the ladies room is a magic mirror. If you tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish, if you lie to it, it will make you disappear. The brunette walks in and says to the mirror, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl ever." Poof! She's gone. The Redhead walks in and says to the mirror, "I think I'M the most beautiful girl ever." Poof! She's gone. The blonde walks in and says to the mirror, "I think--" Poof! She's gone.
joke: On the weekend, my parents told me that we were finally getting air conditioning. They didn't tell me when though. I thought they would take there time. So when I came back from school, there was a hole in the wall.
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character. Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence. The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.
- LillianAvatar (that is my devianart username, i created one because i tried so hard to make my face into a Na'vi and i kept failing :(, but i'm starting up photography)
A vampire walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He looks around then asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender hands him a glass of water and then the vampire takes out a used tampon and dips it into the glass. Looking up the vampire notices everyone staring at him. "What?" he asked. "I'm making tea."
Ok, so here goes. I thought about writing a joke, but decided against this as most are just a bit too naughty! So I thought, how about a real life funny story.
I am a police officer and around a year ago I was in court after a colleague had summonsed someone for speeding.
The lawyer said to my colleague, "officer, what exactly qualifies you to say how fast my client was going when you had no special equipment?"
My colleague replied, "well I am currently an advanced police pursuit driver of 7 years, prior to this I was a vehicle test driver for bmw and in my spare time, an amateur race car driver. I have been driving for over 20 years and consider myself an expert driver, therefore i have a good knowledge of how fast a car is traveling."
So the lawyer replied, "officer, you say my client was going over 90mph. Well tell me this." At this point the lawyer pulled a pen from his pocket and threw it across the court room. "How fast was my pen going?"
To which my colleague replied, "I don't know, I've never driven a pen!"
It so happens to have two jokes so I am gonna write them both:)
First One: Two Squirrels are sitting in a tree. One of them if fucking a hazelnut. His squirrel companion asks: "Are you fucking crazy?" The other squirrel gives him a look and says: "No,I'm fucking nuts!"
Second one: Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
What is brown and sticky? A stick. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick. What is pink and fuzzy? Pink fuzz. What is green and fuzzy? Moldy pink fuzz.
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Hahaha... great entries guys!! I already have my favourites, I could easily close the contest now :D... but I said january 7th... and january 7th will have to be.
Two guys were walking their dogs- one had a German shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the shepherd suggested going into the bar for a drink. The other man says,"They're not going to let dogs into the bar."And the first guy says,"Mo?Watch this." He puts on some dark glasses,acts like the sheoherd is a seeing eye dog,walks into the bar, and orders a drink.And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar.The bartender says,"Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here."And the man says,"It's okay-it's my seeing eye dog." The bartender laughs and says,"This Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?" And the guy says,"They gave me a Chihuahua?"
I'm epsilonXD on deviantart,just joined for this contest
It's ridiculously long, but I'll do my best. I hope you like it!
In a far-away land, the man in charge of the sultan's elite fighting force was stung by a wasp and died. Thus, the sultan sent out messengers to every province in his land with decrees stating that each province needed to send the best fighters, for the sultan needed a new leader for his forces. Out of all the provinces, only three men came. The sultan brought the three men before him and told them to show him what they could do.
The first man stepped forward and pulled out a very ornate box, encrusted with silver and jewels. He opened it and a wasp flew out. It buzzed around the sultan's head for a moment before the man unsheathed his weapon and with a single slice, the wasp fell in two pieces at the sultan's feet. The sultan nodded and beckoned for the next man.
The second man stepped forward, also withdrawing a small box. His had silver, gold, and rubies all over it. Another wasp flew out, and the second man drew his weapon and with two slices, cleanly cut the wasp into four pieces. Again, the sultan nodded, and beckoned to the third man.
The third man stepped forward with an even more ornate small box. Gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, and precious stones covered it. A third wasp flew out of it and again circled the sultan's head. The third man unsheathed his weapon and, sighting carefully, made six slices at the wasp. He moved gracefully and had the battle fury of a lion -- but at the end of his display, the wasp was still flying. The sultan said, "Why is the wasp still flying? Why did you not kill it?"
The third man bowed to the sultan and said solemnly, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience" --- I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. --- I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. --- I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. --- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. --- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
-------------
Sorry for the long post. I just love all of these, and couldn't choose just one ^_^
I'll try my best. This is a classic passed down from my grandmother. This only works in spanish and is better spoken to get the full effect. Here goes.
Two chickens are standing on opposite sides of the road. One fine looking hen on one side and the cockiest rooster on the other. She needs to cross to get to the store.
The hen, wanting nothing to do with this jerk waits for him to leave.
The rooster then clucks : Ven pa'CAW.
Ugh...she turn her tail feathers and looks the other way.
Rooster: Ven pa'CAW
again she ignores. An hour goes by and she's getting restless. Tired and having to go to the store she decides to just suck it up and cross the road.
Rooster: Ven pa'CAW
She starts walking across the road when a car drives by and hits her! She calls out Hen: Ven pa'CAW Rooster: Ya pa'QUE
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil. scenefcuk@hotmail.com I ran across your add on google searching for someone to make me or my daughter, in to a na'vi.. I hope my joke is funny enough! =] Rosie/
Unfortunately the contest is closed now and the winner was already chosen. I am charging $30 dlls to make a photomanipulation like that one, in case you fancy that C:
46 comentarios:
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
ChristianEV on deviantArt
remember: if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
zodiacshadow
yay for christmas jokes (^-^)
Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?
kyrodon of deviant art
Q: what does a vegan zombie eat?
A: Graaaaaaaaainsss!!
ArhcamtIlnaad
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Tawnybmw
I'm not going to submit a joke, because then you'll just laugh at it.
Spoki0
Okay here's my joke:
How does an elephant get invisible?
Answer: He puts sunglasses on.
Did you already see an elephant with sunglasses? Well, it proves that it works :)
UsedRomanceCH on DeviantArt
This one is kind of dirty, but still makes me laugh every time my dad tells it.
Q: Have you ever smelled mothballs?
A: Yeah?
Q: How did you get the tiny little legs apart!?
(ladydove7 on DA)
A man walks into a bar.
Ow.
SlateReaper on DeviantART.
Why cant jews go to jail?
They all eat lox. XD...
swtblondie
Why cant jews go to jail?
They all eat lox. XD...
swtblondie
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the last monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure!
Shidor-x on deviantart
See, most of my jokes are probably too dirty, racially offensive, or gender offensive, so I'll just try something plain giggle-worthy. It is a bit long.
A grumpy vampire bat flies home after a hard evening of hunting and hangs from his ledge in the cave for a nap. Before he can get to sleep, however, another bat flaps over next to him.
"John," he exclaims "You had a good hunt tonight! Look at all that blood all over your face! Hey, everybody, over here!"
A moment later the entire cave of bats is clustered around, slobbering from the smell of the blood on John's face. "Where did you get all the blood?!" They cry.
"Come with me and I'll show you."
So the John takes off with the rest of the bats following, and they all perch on a power line near the highway.
"You see that big sign over there? The new one for that coffee shop?"
"Yes," They answered.
"Well I damn well didn't."
tara-willow, deviantART
What is yellow and very dangerous?
Shark infested custard!
~CrimsonDomingo on DeviantArt
Q: Where did the general put his armies?
A: In his sleevies
DesignHim @ devART
an out on the town goes to a dance sees a nice babe and says "Man would I like to get in those pants"
Women says "No thanks I have one asshole in there all ready"
dA: Livingmaniac
So, I got a part time job at the liquor store.
They said I was good at lifting spirits.
Or (time for the dumb blonde joke - sorry everyone!)
Theres a Blonde, Brunette, and Redhead at the club. In the ladies room is a magic mirror. If you tell it the truth, it will grant you a wish, if you lie to it, it will make you disappear.
The brunette walks in and says to the mirror, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl ever."
Poof! She's gone.
The Redhead walks in and says to the mirror, "I think I'M the most beautiful girl ever."
Poof! She's gone.
The blonde walks in and says to the mirror, "I think--"
Poof! She's gone.
-Shadowskiss
ok ill try because your work is so awsome!! Its gonna have to be a 'yo mama' joke so forgive me if its lame T_T...
'Yo mama's so fat that when she looked out of the window she was arrested for mooning!'
No offence intended XD
Whitespirit on deviantart
joke:
On the weekend, my parents told me that we were finally getting air conditioning. They didn't tell me when though. I thought they would take there time. So when I came back from school, there was a hole in the wall.
~ki-ki-monkey
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
.....a carrot.
http://chromosome-x.deviantart.com/
which is the difference between a pizza and a jew?
pizzas doesn´t scream when you put them in an oven
forgot my link:
http://www.deathwish12322.deviantart.com
Protons have mass? I didn't know they were catholic.
Tiggylumpkins on DA
<3
There are 3 things that Humans can stare at forever....
1. Running Water
2. Fire Burning
3. Other People Working.
http://deathcassy.deviantart.com/
What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree and an apple? A pineapple! HAHAHAHA!
Deviant:
heretictemplar
A lady at a party goes up to a man and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." He replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Oops, forgot to add my dA name!
This is dibtio on DeviantArt.
A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.
-
LillianAvatar (that is my devianart username, i created one because i tried so hard to make my face into a Na'vi and i kept failing :(, but i'm starting up photography)
A vampire walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He looks around then asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender hands him a glass of water and then the vampire takes out a used tampon and dips it into the glass. Looking up the vampire notices everyone staring at him. "What?" he asked. "I'm making tea."
choujis-butterfly on deviantart
Ok, so here goes. I thought about writing a joke, but decided against this as most are just a bit too naughty! So I thought, how about a real life funny story.
I am a police officer and around a year ago I was in court after a colleague had summonsed someone for speeding.
The lawyer said to my colleague, "officer, what exactly qualifies you to say how fast my client was going when you had no special equipment?"
My colleague replied, "well I am currently an advanced police pursuit driver of 7 years, prior to this I was a vehicle test driver for bmw and in my spare time, an amateur race car driver. I have been driving for over 20 years and consider myself an expert driver, therefore i have a good knowledge of how fast a car is traveling."
So the lawyer replied, "officer, you say my client was going over 90mph. Well tell me this." At this point the lawyer pulled a pen from his pocket and threw it across the court room. "How fast was my pen going?"
To which my colleague replied, "I don't know, I've never driven a pen!"
This one is dirty, but I hope it makes you laugh.
There are three black roosters sitting on a fence, all together how many beaks do they have?
A: 3
Eyes?
A: 6
Feet?
A: 6
A white cat walks up. In its life time, how many teeth has it had?
You probably said, 'I don't know.'
How come you know so much about black cock and not about white pussy?
I hope that made you laugh.
It makes me laugh every time.
I forgot my deviantart name.
It is Pancake598.
It so happens to have two jokes so I am gonna write them both:)
First One:
Two Squirrels are sitting in a tree.
One of them if fucking a hazelnut.
His squirrel companion asks:
"Are you fucking crazy?"
The other squirrel gives him a look and says:
"No,I'm fucking nuts!"
Second one:
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
MaverickReal-deviantart username
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What is pink and fuzzy?
Pink fuzz.
What is green and fuzzy?
Moldy pink fuzz.
:)
Deriliarch on DA
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Flubidup on Deviantart
Hahaha... great entries guys!! I already have my favourites, I could easily close the contest now :D... but I said january 7th... and january 7th will have to be.
Thank you for the laughs!!
I have some strange jokes but here goes.
Once, there was a vampire who found a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"You have three wishes!" said the genie.
Excited, the vampire started to say "First I want Skin as white a snow! Second I want to drink as much blood as I can! Last, I want wings!"
"Done!" Cried the genie and turned the vampire into a sanitary pad.
:3
magmanorn over and out.
Two guys were walking their dogs- one had a German shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the shepherd suggested going into the bar for a drink. The other man says,"They're not going to let dogs into the bar."And the first guy says,"Mo?Watch this." He puts on some dark glasses,acts like the sheoherd is a seeing eye dog,walks into the bar, and orders a drink.And no one says anything.
So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar.The bartender says,"Sorry-we don't allow dogs in here."And the man says,"It's okay-it's my seeing eye dog." The bartender laughs and says,"This Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?" And the guy says,"They gave me a Chihuahua?"
I'm epsilonXD on deviantart,just joined for this contest
It's ridiculously long, but I'll do my best. I hope you like it!
In a far-away land, the man in charge of the sultan's elite fighting force was stung by a wasp and died. Thus, the sultan sent out messengers to every province in his land with decrees stating that each province needed to send the best fighters, for the sultan needed a new leader for his forces. Out of all the provinces, only three men came. The sultan brought the three men before him and told them to show him what they could do.
The first man stepped forward and pulled out a very ornate box, encrusted with silver and jewels. He opened it and a wasp flew out. It buzzed around the sultan's head for a moment before the man unsheathed his weapon and with a single slice, the wasp fell in two pieces at the sultan's feet. The sultan nodded and beckoned for the next man.
The second man stepped forward, also withdrawing a small box. His had silver, gold, and rubies all over it. Another wasp flew out, and the second man drew his weapon and with two slices, cleanly cut the wasp into four pieces. Again, the sultan nodded, and beckoned to the third man.
The third man stepped forward with an even more ornate small box. Gold, silver, platinum, diamonds, and precious stones covered it. A third wasp flew out of it and again circled the sultan's head. The third man unsheathed his weapon and, sighting carefully, made six slices at the wasp. He moved gracefully and had the battle fury of a lion -- but at the end of his display, the wasp was still flying.
The sultan said, "Why is the wasp still flying? Why did you not kill it?"
The third man bowed to the sultan and said solemnly, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
haha and my username is "dawizardi". Got so wrapped up in telling the joke that I forgot to post my username :D
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience"
---
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
---
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
---
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
---
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
---
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
-------------
Sorry for the long post. I just love all of these, and couldn't choose just one ^_^
Deviantart: Carlyndra
I'll try my best. This is a classic passed down from my grandmother. This only works in spanish and is better spoken to get the full effect. Here goes.
Two chickens are standing on opposite sides of the road. One fine looking hen on one side and the cockiest rooster on the other. She needs to cross to get to the store.
The hen, wanting nothing to do with this jerk waits for him to leave.
The rooster then clucks : Ven pa'CAW.
Ugh...she turn her tail feathers and looks the other way.
Rooster: Ven pa'CAW
again she ignores.
An hour goes by and she's getting restless. Tired and having to go to the store she decides to just suck it up and cross the road.
Rooster: Ven pa'CAW
She starts walking across the road when a car drives by and hits her!
She calls out
Hen: Ven pa'CAW
Rooster: Ya pa'QUE
hehehe
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
scenefcuk@hotmail.com
I ran across your add on google searching for someone to make me or my daughter, in to a na'vi..
I hope my joke is funny enough! =]
Rosie/
Hello Rossie!
Unfortunately the contest is closed now and the winner was already chosen. I am charging $30 dlls to make a photomanipulation like that one, in case you fancy that C:
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